Hi friend,
Thank you for opening my letter. It means a lot.
I've been building my business for a while now. Before I had the idea for a business, I had a longing.
I've always been a person longing for depth, intimate conversations, and introspection. I have never accepted the status quo in myself and in society around me but been a questioner.
My recent conversation with my friend Nik Huno reminded me of much of the longing I had within.
Holding space for another human being is the most beautiful thing I know to do. When you hold a gentle and secure space for someone, they are able to explore what they have perhaps buried within. What is buried can be scary. Not because it's dangerous. But because it is unknown. You don't know what will emerge.
The beauty of holding space lies in the power of transformation. The Psychologist and architect of attachment theory, John Bowlby, said that life is a series of explorations from a secure base.
Space-holding is ultimately about being that secure base from where your conversation partner can explore. With exploration comes transformation.
That's what I did for Nik and what Nik did for me.
A theme that recurred repeatedly in our conversation was the idea of home, not knowing, and finding stability in your life.
We both agreed that life is fundamentally unknown.
We could literally die tomorrow. We could literally stop breathing in the next moment. Even if we don't, what you notice when you meditate and introspect is that everything changes constantly. Emotions come and go, sensations come and go, thoughts come and go.
Nik had an experience of moving a lot as a child and that had a huge impact for him. The recurring theme that had recently been emerging for him was a sense of longing for home.
A child needs stability. Stability comes from rituals in your household, from parents who are predictable.
A child who grows up in an environment where his or her needs are met learn that the world is a safe place. Whenever danger lurks around the corner or within (read tantrum), my parent is here to catch me. My parent is also willing to be there when I explore the world, teaching me to go on my own.
A child who grows up in a secure environment finds that she can rely on herself as an adult. In the changing world within and outside, she can rely on herself and her ability to regulate her emotions in all walks of life.
I'm okay not to know. I'm okay not to know the answers to my longing. I'm okay not to know where I belong. I'm okay not knowing how to expand my business. I'm okay not to know where the next job is taking me. I'm okay not knowing. Full stop.
Not knowing used to create immense discomfort within. It used to trigger anxiety. But no longer. I went from accepting the discomfort of the not knowing to loving it.
My transformed relationship to discomfort has opened up a well of creativity. When I don't know, when I feel discomfort, ideas emerge and form and deform and reform.
You can change your relationship to the unknown.
It takes time.
Small steps.
For some, doing something different and new every week, can be the first step. Read a book in a genre you've never read before.
Take a class in something that's way beyond anything you've ever done before.
Take a different route to work or school.
Say hello to a stranger.
Ask for a discount when you buy a drink next time you go out.
In my experience, if and when you are ready, being in a relationship with a secure person is the most transformative. This can be a partner, a friend or a therapist, a guide, or a coach.
I can't wait to share with you my newest podcast episode. It's going to be great. Share with friends and family if this resonates with you.
I'll send you the link to the podcast on Saturday:).
Until then, be well!
