Hi friend,
In my client work the past six months I've been thinking a lot about the concept of reparenting. If you've read my newsletter and followed me on X you will have discovered that I talk a lot about attachment theory.
Attachment theory is one of the most well-studied and documented psychological theories that are out there. It was founded by John Bowlby and has ever since been developed by other researches.
It recognizes that our formative years has a huge impact on our relationships later on in life. The relationship we form with our attachment figure early on becomes a template for every relationship we have later on in life.
This is how our parents hand over their own unresolved stuff. Behavioral patterns, emotional patterns and thought patterns. Their limits become our own. Their inability to regulate their own emotions results in neglect of our needs.
You may turn out okay, still. As human beings we are very resilient. We are wired to survive. But if you want to thrive in life, you need to do your own work and deal with your own patterns.
My conversation with Dr Bob Beare reminded me of the importance of doing your own work and how we can reparent ourselves. In our podcast episode, we even reflected on how we, in our conversation, are engaging in a healing work and reparenting each other, by noticing and asking questions.
Reparenting is essentially about providing yourself with the nurturing, guidance and the support you lacked in your childhood to become a well-regulated child. Through reparenting you heal your wounds, build self-esteem and learn to foster healthier relationships.
Here are some ways you can do that:
- Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a loved one who is struggling. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself in a supportive and encouraging manner.
- Setting Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from harmful or negative influences. This can involve saying no to things that drain your energy or cause you distress, and prioritizing your own well-being.
- Self-Care: Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Engage in activities that nourish your body and mind, such as exercise, healthy eating, relaxation techniques, and hobbies you enjoy.
- Inner Child Work: Connect with your inner child and provide them with the love, validation, and reassurance they may have missed out on in the past. This can involve visualization exercises, journaling, or creative expression.
- Therapy: Consider seeking support from a therapist who can guide you through the process of reparenting and provide personalized strategies for healing and growth.
- Mindfulness: Cultivate awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help you develop greater self-awareness and compassion.
- Reframing Beliefs: Challenge and reframe negative beliefs or self-critical thoughts that may have been internalized from childhood experiences. Replace them with more supportive and empowering perspectives.
- Seeking Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with supportive and nurturing relationships that uplift and encourage you. This can include friends, family members, or mentors who respect and validate your experiences.
Self-parenting does not have an end goal. It is a way to be in the world and is an ongoing process. It takes time and commitment.
Some of us can do it on our own and others need the security of another person as indicated above.
By doing this work, you open yourself up to life in a different way. This is the work I do with my clients for example and it's amazing to see the transformation over time.
I'm excited to share a deep dive conversation I had with Dr Bob Beare on Saturday where we talked about reparenting.
Until then, be well!
