"Life is an exploration from a secure base." - John Bowlby
As a social worker, I meet with parents and their children every week. My job is to identify risk and protective factors in children's lives and suggest what they need to thrive. Protective and risk factors are evidence-based patterns in children's lives. We know that if there are too many risk factors, the child's development will be stifled, or the child might even get into criminality or addictions.
Among the most important factors that I look at is the relationship with the parents. The family system matters more than anything else. My insight is that if the family system is functioning and there are adults and primary caretakers in the child's life who are emotionally resilient, empathetic, and self-directed, the child will have great chances at life. Even if the child is struggling at school or having any other challenges, the parents will be able to meet the child's needs and support him or her.
Relationships with parents are described in terms of attachment styles. John Bowlby is a psychologist who is considered the founder of attachment theory. The theory has been developed further after him. In essence, what he discovered in the young child-parent relationship was that the parent functions, at best, as a safe or secure base from which the child explores.
He went so far as to say that life is a series of explorations from a secure base.
There is great wisdom in this insight.
Bear with me. This matters to you even if you're not a parent. Because if you're reading this as an adult, you've been a child who's grown up with a parent and has developed an attachment style. Your attachment style is a thought-emotional-behavioral pattern that encompasses all of your life. It is the foundation upon which you navigate your entire life.
Growing awareness of your attachment style can help you heal, better understand yourself, and understand why you act, think, and feel (or not feel) the way you do.
Let's break down the different attachment styles and how they appear in your adult life.
From secure to fearful-avoidant
We are wired to survive. As children, we develop behavioral and emotional patterns in response to our environment. Genetics matters to some extent, but essentially, our responses to our environment as we grow up serve our survival. Therefore, your attachment style developed as a response to the environment to ensure you survived in the best way possible.
As a Child: The prime example of attachment is the secure attachment style. You grew up in an environment with parents who were attuned to your physical and emotional needs. They were predictable, and you knew what to expect as a child. This created a sense of safety where you were not afraid to express all of your emotions. You were validated, and your parents set clear boundaries and helped you learn emotional regulation by first regulating your emotions.
As an adult, you feel secure in yourself. You feel comfortable knowing and expressing your emotions and needs. You have stable and close relationships with others.
As a child: You may have had a parent or parents who were inconsistent in responding to your needs. Inconsistency on the parental side meant you did not know what to expect. Were your needs going to be met or not? Sometimes they were, and sometimes your parents were unavailable. As a child you literally depend on your parents for your survival. You developed a style where you were hyper-vigilant for any signs that your parents would withdraw their affection from you and, therefore, sought reassurance. This style is called anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
As an adult: You may crave reassurance and validation from your partner. You scan your environment for perceived threats such as abandonment. You feel insecure when you're separated from your partner.
As a child: Dismissive-avoidant attachment is a third attachment style. Your parents were neither emotionally nor physically available to you. Expressing your emotions was not something you were encouraged to do. Your caregivers promoted independence over emotional connection. Consequently, you learned that in order to get the "love" of your caregiver you had to press down your emotional needs and depend on yourself.
As an adult: You prioritize self-sufficiency and independence in relationships. You may have difficulty opening up emotionally and withdraw from vulnerability to avoid being hurt. You may not even be aware of your own emotions because there is a disconnect between them and your conscious experience, which creates distance.
As a child: The final attachment style is called Fearful-avoidant attachment style. You may have grown up in an unpredictable and abusive environment, causing you to feel conflicting emotions and confusion. Your caregiver oscillated between warmth and closeness and neglect and abuse. As a child this becomes extremely confusing. The relationship becomes mistrustful and ambivalence rules.
As an adult you may vacillate between wanting intimacy and fearing it. You may struggle with mistrust in relationships and are unable to secure attachments due to past experiences of trauma or rejection. This may also manifest in emotional highs and lows in relationships.
Why this matter to you even if you're an adult
If you're an adult with a secure attachment style, congratulations. You've grown up in a secure environment, and while you may face difficulties as an adult, you have enough stability within yourself to regulate your emotions.
If you identify with the other attachment styles, you may ask yourself how your pattern affects your life and whether it's causing you any suffering.
Simply becoming aware of your attachment style is the first step to healing. Healing is possible.
As you can see, attachment affects all relationships. It affects your ability to form close relationships and your ability to trust your friends and business partners.
You may thrive on the surface level at work and in relationships.
But here's the thing: Your recurring patterns in life cause you to suffer. People with insecure attachment styles (the last three above) suffer more from mental health issues such as anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties in forming good relationships. The overall satisfaction with life is affected.
Here's my message to you. Don't simply be successful in life on the surface level. Deal with your emotional, behavioral, and thought patterns deeper to increase your satisfaction with life.
The work is hard, but it is possible.
Different routes to healing
If you've read this far, you have already started your first step to healing. Because the first step to healing is to become aware of your patterns in life.
To deepen your self-awareness, you can start a journaling practice. Journaling has been shown to increase self-awareness. This coming week, journal every day for 10-15 minutes at the end of your work day.
Here are some prompts I've developed that I use in my client work.
Early childhood experiences:
- What are some of my earliest memories of relationships with caregivers or important adults in my life?
- How would I describe the dynamics of my family of origin? Were there any consistent patterns of behavior or communication?
- Reflect on specific interactions or experiences with caregivers that stand out to me. How did these experiences make me feel?
Current Relationship Patterns:
- What are some recurring themes or patterns in my current relationships, both romantic and platonic?
- How do I typically respond to conflict or disagreement in relationships?
- Do I tend to seek closeness and intimacy, or do I prefer to maintain independence and distance? How does this preference influence my interactions with others?
Self-Perception and Emotional Expression:
- How do I view myself in relationships? Do I see myself as worthy of love and belonging, or do I struggle with feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness?
- How comfortable am I with expressing my emotions and needs to others? Do I tend to suppress my emotions or avoid vulnerability?
- Reflect on any fears or anxieties I have related to intimacy, rejection, or abandonment in relationships.
Start here. Grow in self-awareness. Once you've developed self-awareness, there are other pathways to healing.
"We're only as needy as our unmet needs." - John Bowlby
If you want to book a discovery call with me, here's my calendly link that you can use.
See you next week!
