Dear Friend,
Thank you for opening this letter. It means a lot to me.
Last week, I had a conversation with a young teenager who shared how she didn’t feel safe at her mom’s house. Like many children of divorced parents, she splits her time between each parent’s home on a bi-weekly basis.
As we talked, she told me about her experience, particularly how lonely she felt at her mom’s house. When they argued, which often happened, she sensed that her mom couldn’t let go of things. Her mom would bring up past issues and emotionally manipulate her into doing what she wanted.
In response, the girl would retreat to her room, feeling drained and exhausted.
Her story highlights something many of us struggle with: how our environments—whether our homes, relationships, or habits—can shape our emotional and psychological well-being.
We are social beings, and our brains develop in response to these environments. It’s not just about the people around us, but also about what we put into our bodies and the daily patterns we follow.
The brain is a malleable, adaptive organ that responds to all of these factors, with survival as its primary goal.
This teenager’s nervous system would essentially shut down when she felt cornered or unsafe in her mom’s home.
Imagine yourself in a similar situation—being emotionally trapped, unable to find comfort. Our brains need safety and security to grow and develop properly. Without that foundation, we start to unravel.
At the trauma conference I recently attended in Oxford, the importance of safety in relationships was emphasized over and over again.
The research is clear: we are both broken and made whole in our relationships with others.
In this teenager’s case, the lack of emotional safety at her mom’s house affected how she viewed herself and the world around her.
Her relationship with herself—her sense of worth, trust, and security—was shaped by her interactions with her mother.
Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist and expert in brain development, attachment, and trauma, spoke about how a healthy brain is an integrated brain.
This means that the different regions of the brain are working together in harmony, and the result is kindness and compassion.
When we feel safe, when we are not stressed, we are naturally compassionate and kind. That’s our natural state as human beings.
Now, reflect on that for a moment. When this teenager felt cornered and manipulated, she couldn’t access that state of kindness and compassion because her brain was overwhelmed by stress and fear.
It makes me wonder: how many of us are carrying similar stress, unable to tap into our true, compassionate selves?
It takes effort to build an integrated brain, one where the various parts work together smoothly. Ideally, we would receive the tools for this throughout our childhood and teenage years, but for many—like this teenager—those tools weren’t available.
Instead, they grew up in environments that may have been chaotic or unsafe.
The good news is that our brains are plastic. For as long as we live, our brains can adapt and make new connections.
This offers great hope, especially for those who have experienced suffering or adversity, whether in childhood or adulthood.
Healing is always possible.
For this young girl, healing may come through supportive relationships, where she can explore and rewrite the effects that adversity has had on her brain and nervous system.
Whether it’s with a counselor, a trusted friend, or a loved one, the key is in finding safety and connection in those relationships.
Based on this research and my personal experiences, I’m developing a course that will provide tools for your own self-healing journey.
While these tools won’t replace the need for real human relationships, they can offer guidance and help you move toward what I believe is the ultimate goal of life: becoming yourself.
My plan is to have the course completed by the end of the year.
With love,
Gabe
Ps. If you feel you need support, reply to this email. I've got 2 spots open for 1:1 guidance. ds.