Hey Reader,
Thank you for opening this letter.
I've always been a highly risk-averse person—at least, that's how I view myself. Lulled myself into a secure, cushioned life has been important to me all my life.
At the same time, I've also been open to new experiences - to some extent.
When I look back at my life, certain events, certain periods, have been life-shifting. All of them involve exposing myself to something utterly other and different from my daily routine.
Let me tell you about three events and then tell you why you should take (reasonable) risks in life.
In 2007, as part of my training to become a social worker, I spent a full semester in India. Together with a number of other students from Swedish universities, I traveled to Pune in Maharashtra and studied the practice of social work. I was exposed to an utterly different culture than my own.
In Sweden, people barely look at each other unless they're friends or family. You can walk the streets for a long time before you actually see another human being.
India is different. There are people and animals everywhere. I barely spent a moment alone. I shared a bedroom with four other students, and there were always people around me. The culture was collectivistic and intense. The cultural expectations were completely different, and the codes were not the same.
It took us one week to merely learn how to cross the streets!
I remember vividly when we were visiting a de-addiction center and when a social worker told us, in the presence of a client, all the challenges the particular client had been going through. That would've been practically illegal in Sweden from the point of confidentiality.
Coming from Sweden, my basic assumptions about society and life were challenged. I was somewhat prepared because of my background. My parents were not born in Sweden, so I grew up in a multicultural environment. But nothing had prepared me for the experience of being in India.
The experience taught me how life can be completely different and that much of what we think and believe about ourselves, life, and society is formed by the very contexts we live in. Cultural codes can be very limiting. By allowing myself to be exposed to something so different, I learned to question my basic assumptions.
My other big adventure in life was taking the leap and moving to the US to study a Master in Theology at Princeton. Now, the cultural differences between the US and Sweden are not as radical as the ones between Sweden and India. Yet, being in a foreign environment, in an intellectual milieu different from what I had been used to, and speaking a language that was not my mother tongue was riveting.
Again, my assumptions were questioned, and I learned to integrate my different life experiences. I learned to live in the unknown, dance in the dark, and take steps without having everything figured out. I learned to live by faith.
I've noticed that even though I've exposed myself to different contexts that are unfamiliar to me, fear never really goes away. It just shows up in different ways.
Eventually, I got a job and built an institution for higher education and adult education with some colleagues, and the prison of safety lulled me into its familiar bosom.
I was afraid of change and to make bold and radical choices.
So, I went on a silent meditation retreat for ten days and meditated for over 100 hours. The retreat changed my relationship to my experience forever.
First of all, I learned to notice when I was afraid. I learned about deep longings and unmet needs I had. My fear sprang from a fear of rejection. My motivation to do what I had done so far in life was anchored in a longing to be seen and validated.
Once I knew that, I could start meeting my own needs for safety and validation and stop searching for it externally. I could take the next step in my own life and start truly considering what I longed for, truly longed for, and taking action towards that.
It turned out that I had to experiment with curiosity and explore what I liked and disliked.
I've come to know that life is a series of explorations from a secure base. That's what the founder of attachment theory, John Bowlby, noticed.
I needed two things to thrive in life.
A secure based
AND
Exploration.
I became my own secure base—for myself, my kids, and my family. But I also came to learn that for life to be meaningful, I had to explore and do the impossible.
I'm training for a marathon right now. I remember the first time I ran a marathon, but I never thought it'd be possible a few years before. However, I exposed myself to longer and longer distances and eventually changed my belief about what was and wasn't possible.
It turns out that the only limit we have in life is ourselves. We limit ourselves to what is possible. We have potential beyond measure. I have potential beyond measure.
You have potential beyond measure.
I don't compete with you. I will most likely not run a marathon faster than the world record holder, but I can very likely run faster than I have done before.
With all this said, research shows clearly that growth is impossible without friction. Obstacles, hindrances, and fear are all part of growth.
If you want to live a life where you do not grow, avoid any situation you are afraid of. Do not expose yourself to any context or situation outside of your comfort zone.
But if you want to live a full life, then run in the direction of your fear.
But don't do it without any anchor.
People may tell you to "go all in" or to "commit fully" in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
But you should not.
I prefer gradual exposure while maintaining a secure base. My secure base refills my energy tank.
Once it's full, I can again take a chance and face my fear. I can build that business, engage in that creative project, or travel to places I've never been before.
If you want to book a discovery call with me, here's my calendly link that you can use.
See you next week!
